What I expect to happen is he’ll promise it, get funding for it, do a mile of it, drop everything about it, report a higher wealth value, get into a suspicious one car crash

This is the first I would suggest as well. As much as I like other distros, Mint has the appearance, capability, stability, and settings combination I would want as a new user

You misunderstand

Cranberry is great for UTIs, not bowel movement. It wouldn’t go in my ass

This is the only “ribbed for your pleasure” my asexual ass will appreciate wholely