When I was in my teens I used Babe I’m Gonna Leave You, by Led Zeppelin as my alarm, over 15 years later and I can’t help but feel like I’m being yanked out of dead sleep every time I hear it.

Nope, not even once. I find the idea of circumcision really bizarre.

Have you informed the elders of the internet about this?

I use Technitium, for that purpose. You can set up DNS records easily and it still has blocking like pi-hole. You can log DNS requests if you need to track down where certain requests are coming from or which devices are making lots of requests. It has quite a few features but I only need a couple.