I’m Your Uploaded Bloodwork Results, and No, I Will Not Explain Myself to You (McSweeney’s)

During a blood work draw I always want to ask if I could keep the squeezey toy. I’m certain they only let children keep them. I don’t want to get billed $39.99 for it, plus a toy distribution fee, a biller research fee, unwrapping fee, handling fee, lab billable hours, and sales tax.
It’s fine. I have squeezy balls at home.