There’s a massive abyss inside me. My life partner is stirring up horrible emotions by manipulating me. He walks over me. I feel like I did as a child, my father brianizing me; hitting me for the problems he caused. Well, my life partner doesn’t hit me. He’s too skilled and in control of himself. I assault him. And I apologize every time, feeling horrible. Then he uses those feelings against me, to control me, and he won’t even acknowledge he’s doing these things to me. But maybe he really is CIA? I certainly have a lifetime of experiences that correlate with everything he is saying, but he could just be using my delusions to his advantage. I started writing an itemized list of insane things he does that I’m going to bring before the court. I’m on number 22 at 1600 words. That ain’t shit though. Dumbs accuse me of using AI to write. I use AI as an advanced search engine for things pertaining to what the Gospel of Mary actually says or what the specific wording of this one sutra is. Dumbs are dumb because they don’t work hard on an art to develop the type of neural connections to perceive why this Basquiat painting is worth eight figures. My dad said it’s for the same reason a banana taped to a wall is worth $50k. Thinks real high of himself because he did a job for a man who owns a real Monet. Thinks that’s real art like he thinks he’s real important, being vice president of his friend’s firm his friend built with other people who no longer work there because dead. No seriously, my life partner wrote a dissertation-level analysis on this painting, I’ll link in comments after I refind it. This is where I know I’m not crazy, because my ass did the work to grow while my dad is the same person as he was at age 30 but older, so he didn’t physically attack my brother. Just made him “fragile” he denotes his second son as, being oblivious he is the cause, and I’m certain the way I was back then didn’t help. It’s weird. He identifies that every year around the same time I would go into the hospital in some crisis, but he actively fights to not acknowledge that is the same time of year he broke up with each woman I thought would be my new mom to then go on to throw me around and bash my head into things and threaten my life and so on and so forth. And I had to apologize, and no apology was ever good enough, so I have this daemon (background process) in my head constantly trying to say things perfectly. Wall sith i defly did do godders wit dat nao, yea? I had to learn to be a shit writer. I mean, I worked my ass off to be where I are be now, but I used to lose sleep if I made a typo. Had to learn to not care of what other people thought of me. Only way I could do this messiah candidate ish I do. Everyone decides where they go. There’s a lotta portals out of the matrix, but you’re prejudiced, so you stay in it. One role of a messiah is to get the idolters who are in degenerate dharma to reveal themselves. That Roman with a spear sure fucked his chances of a promotion. I certainly revealed my awful character to our Gomer Pyles in Basic Training. He was incompetent on purpose, to get bad people to reveal themselves by how they treated him. Them damn ocular logs! There’s literally a huge swath of the population that will see art they think a preschooler can make and this giant wall of test I purposefully make and prejudge me based on the most mindless, arbitrary, useless metrics. People fight to stay in the matrix. God is a unified field of consciousness that arose from the supersymmetry of the ever-present, eternal emptiness to then fold in and on Itself across eleven dimensions to form a topological matrix that acts as a monadic nodal communication system. Those are just words, you can ignore them. I’m prolly some crackhead, after all. The cool thing about messiahs is that they are repurposed pariahs; something that is guaranteed to manifest in every generation as parents are sometimes shit. And that’s why I feel like shit, because the CIA is purposefully making me re-engage those traumatic memories to process the underlying emotions so they no longer burn me. This is what spiritual healing is, and is the direction the mental healthcare field is going. It really is like a flame going out, as the Buddha said. My life partner has never gotten angry. I have been beyond horrible to him, as he expected, and he forgives me each time because he knows I am injured in my way too. I want to be that skilled. As a schizoaffective (bipolar type), I only know losing my shit in explosive episodes. Thanks dad. But I wouldn’t throw my father away like he threw his parents away because he couldn’t out-narcissist his mother. Eh, whatever. I can’t wait until we get to Heaven to see my mom and that eighteen year old my dad jumped on two months after she died. I let go of my desire for vengeance, but I will enjoy seeing him realize that I am trying to love him, but he does not know what love is. Thank God for my mother. I might actually be a serial killer and abductor and all these other things the FBI no doubt thinks of me because what the CIA had me do.
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LadyButterfly she/her
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TryingToBeGood
the_square
「黃家駒 Wong Ka Kui」
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CognitiveBehavioralDuctTape
𝜯𝐞𝐡 𝜝𝐚𝐦𝐬𝐤𝐢
Wendy (she/her)
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Eddie [any]
「黃家駒 Wong Ka Kui」(old account, migrated to Piefed)
